blame my gun

(O huwag mo kalabitin ang aking gatilyo)

Disappointing physiology

I'm trying my best not to think about my impending bone operation, something that has left me in a state of dread for the past few weeks, ever since I found out that the pain around my left knee was not arthritis but a bone tumor (benign, thank god) called osteochondroma. On x-ray, its an abnormal, 2-centimeter white mass that juts out from the femur like an ear (though it isn't merely cartilage now, but a bone fully developed after growing unnoticed for several years). I hate to ponder on the certainty of being confined to a glinting steel bed, dressed in a pale hospital gown, poked with needles, drugged with anesthesia, and finally waking up to a throbbing pain (as said anesthesia wears off) and an ugly cut (that will eventually become a scar) where smooth skin used to be. I get weak-kneed just imagining it. My only stint in the hospital as a patient before this was when I was ten years old or so, rushed to the emergency room because I couldn't stop vomiting after sleeping on a full stomach the night I pigged-out at my sister's fabulous birthday feast. (But this would be no surprise for those na nakakaalam kung gaano ako katakaw, hehe). Now a full-blown surgery. Nothing life-threatening but definitely revelatory. I am told that my body has this propensity for disease, possibly the big C. Mahina ang resistensya kumbaga. Healthy living, from now on, is a must. Drat a thousand times over. I've always wondered why, even in the twilight of my youth and when everyone else was doing it, I simply was not the type given to staying up all night, for work or even for pleasure. At a certain point when others were still at it, I would drop like a fly. That's why I hate it when my mother accuses me of "abusing" my body when I get sick. If she only knew how well-rested I am compared to other people of the same age or in the same profession. (Of course, maybe their minds don't work in the same exhausting tortuous circles.) It frustrates me that I don't seem to have enough energy to do all the things that I want to because my body demands eight hours of sleep everyday like some growing sheltered kid (which basically I still am, now that I think about it). I wished that I were more like my father, who sleeps so little but functions like an Energizer bunny. Right now, I don't even have the full function of my legs and it feels so incapacitating to go on leave just when work was getting more exciting. Oh well. The only bright spot is that I'm going to use this post-operative healing period to read, read, read, something that I've missed so much because I've had my hands full with news papering and life's other preoccupations (some of which, like excessive worrying, I would have to throw out the window as purely unhealthy habits). I've barely had the time to explore and savor books, worlds that intrigue me. Now thanks to great finds in the annual book fair, I'm off to tra-la-la for the next few days or weeks as my disappointing physiology tries to catch up with this dizzying fast-paced world of unending interest and struggle.

posted by: ilangq at 11:53 | link | comments |
lifestyle check

Terrorizing the Struggle for Food Sovereignty

Something worth reading, at hindi lang dahil sinulat ko ito...

posted by: ilangq at 08:39 | link | comments |
political chuvachuva